B-log

Read parts 1,2,3,4

This season of my life began in April 2010 with the unexpected, painful news that I was being laid off from my church after five years of fruitful service where we had seen God grow the church numerically and spiritually. I was blindsided by the separation. I thought I was insulated from the possibility of termination because of the biblical mandates related to my responsibilities, but that obviously wasn’t the case.

These last words on what has brought me here is my attempt to share some insights that will be helpful and hope-filled for those of you travelling down your own river of discontent, whether it be job loss-related or any other trouble of adversity.

My discoveries and take-forwards, in no particular order:

• God loves me, even in my unlovable moments. It was a tough, tough experience to have the church and ministry taken from me. It caused me to do all kinds of introspection and reflection, evaluation and examination. It was painful to feel affirmed in my call as a minister, but to have no ministry. I had to battle bitterness continually as I became increasingly aware of churches that tolerated being shepherded by pastors who have settled for mediocrity. I had to fight against anger every time I read a headline about another pastor who had admitted to immorality or criminality…and their church endorsed that bad behavior even at the cost of its own integrity.
  
  Upon getting my “walking papers,” we immediately began visiting several other churches. We went to bigger and smaller churches, familiar and unfamiliar churches and churches where there were ministry possibilities. We “settled in” in two different churches in Flower Mound. We didn’t “find a home,” because we always felt like God was moving us (which made the season feel continually unstable, like we didn’t want to plant roots that would have to immediately be torn out in a relocation). The two churches were similar while being starkly different. They were both good, healthy churches. And because of that, I could see myself there…wanting it, presuming that God had executed my separation from my previous church to move me into either one of these new opportunities.
  
  Neither of those opportunities came to pass. I was the runner up for one and never considered for the other. And I confess, I was mad at those churches for choosing someone else. In a lot of other rejections, I was totally okay with it because I didn’t know much about the opportunity…but in these two places…I had wanted to be there. God’s Spirit was there, and it just hurt to know that I wouldn’t get to be a part of what he was doing there.
  
  At some point along the way, God showed me that I was so consumed by my experiences that I was was looking at everything going on around me, but I had taken my eyes off of him. He graciously smacked me upside the head and showed me that I was being petty, selfish, and immature for being angry at the men God had placed in the positions that I had wanted. God showed me that in the end, I was really angry at him. God was patient with me. He dealt with me and overcame my anger with his love.
  
  Once I quit wallowing in what I didn’t have, I was freed to be grateful for all the ways that God had continued to bless me. In shifting my focus off of my self and back to him, I was able to move forward. We stayed at one of the churches that had “passed on me,” and I came to treasure what God had to offer through their new pastor. I was nourished again by the the worship and teaching. I was able to release my pain, my hurt, and my doubts and again rest in his assurances and promises and blessings. God had never left me. He had never forsaken me. He had led me into this season, was guiding me through it, and provided for me throughout.
  
  
• Pruning is painful. My life verse has been John 15:5. For all the years of following Christ, I’ve understood my faith life in the terms of God as “vine dresser,” Jesus as “the vine,” and myself as “the branch.” And for all my years as a minister, I’ve experienced increasingly abundant results as I’ve I’ve abided in Christ. And over the years, I’ve been pruned a little here, and shaped a little there…to positive results.

In April 2010, I was really “cut back.” God saw fit as he assessed my life to cut away the thick, leafy foliage that was my ministry and leave me with only the most essential aspects of my life: my faith, my bride, my children, and a retirement account that would provide our livelihood for the foreseeable time ahead. 

I didn’t know it at the time, but God was undertaking an action that he determined was necessary for my long-term health and growth. I said early on in my time at my previous church that I could stay there until the Lord called me home. I was saying that as a statement of satisfaction, but now I’m convinced that God knew better that it was a confession of complacency. If I had remained there, my dependence upon him may have lessened as my influence increased. My need for him may have waned as time went on. My desperation for him may have slackened as I grew comfortable with success that might have been pleasing to the congregation but not anywhere near what God could do with me otherwise.

So he pruned me. And it hurt. Badly. When pruning happens, it can look a lot like discipline…especially from the perspective of onlookers. What I’ve learned that while being pruned is painful, it is not an act of cruelty. It is humbling, but not humiliating. It left me figuratively naked, but covered by God. It left me tender, which made me sensitive to the hurts of others. It has left scars that you cannot see, which remind me of the loving work of God in my life. Pruning hurt, but I am incredibly thankful for it. I continue to abide, looking forward to the new yield Christ will produce through me.


• Nothing is mine. I’m writing this final entry about these events and what God has shown me through it all from the air-conditioned environs of my new office in my new church in my new ministry in my new city in my new state….in my new opportunity. But I know they’re not mine. These new things are no more mine than the previous things were mine. I was given oversight responsibility over things and people for five years in Texas. As I strove to be faithful, God gave me oversight over more things and people. Proving it was never mine to begin with, after five years of building up and adding to…it was all taken away in one afternoon’s meeting. 
  
  At the beginning of the lay-off, we knew that the church was providing a severance, and that we had retirement.We boldly said, “we’ll spend all our retirement if we have to,” never thinking that we’d have to. But as the months wore on, we saw that God tested us in this. Would we be willing to spend everything to wait for his best? When the financial end was in sight and it didn’t match up with the end of our season, our faith was tested. Would we still trust in him? 

We chose to walk by faith, and not by what we could see. And God proved himself. He showed us that he doesn’t work by what we can see, or understand, or figure out, or manipulate. He is not bound by the things that bind us, nor is he limited by the things that limit us. Our “dollars and cents” issues are not resolved, but we have his provision. We have new hope, new resources, and new opportunities…all of which he brought to bear at his time in his way that does not allow us to take credit for it or rob acclaim from him.

I better understand that nothing is mine. I’m blessed to be occupying this office in his church for a time. I hope it is a long time, with increasing responsibilities and opportunities. I get to serve with and lead his people in his work to experience the results that he established before time existed to happen at this time in history.

• While life is a matter of exchanging one set of unknowns for another, what matters is what you get resolved on this side of eternity. Being unemployed was scary. We didn’t know what the future would hold. We didn’t know where we were going or what we’d be doing. We had a long lists of sentences that ended in question marks, and not many that ended with a period or an exclamation mark.
  
  Once we learned that our season of waiting was ending, putting periods and exclamation marks to our questions, we found out that we had a whole new set of questions to replace the ones that had been answered. With a huge sigh of relief we had questions about finances and provision answered, but we had new questions about where to live, who would be our friends, what opportunities would await, how will we be successful, and on and on and on.
  
  You know what…that’s life. We will never stop having questions until this life is over. We will always wonder about what comes next until the last thing happens…the event that immediately follows the end of life. So it’s okay to have questions. And to have more questions after the previous questions are answered. What really matters is that you get the most important matter resolved…the security of your soul. 
  
  God loves you very much…the essential you…the you that endures through adversity, that withstands the pains of life. He has provided hope for the eternity safety for your soul through Jesus. When your soul is secure, you can persevere, and you can grow even through difficult times. I hope that you know whether your soul is secure, and if you do not, I urge you to connect with me so I can share with you how you can know for sure.
  
  There are many, many things that I do not know about what comes tomorrow, or in the time ahead. However, I know that my soul is secure and that God is good. Every other answer that I learn is just another blessing along life’s journey.

• If we knew what God knows, we’d want what God wants. This is a proverb coined by my first pastor, Rick Ferguson. I just experienced it in a new way. If on the day I had been laid off, God had revealed himself in a burning shrub as I exited the building carrying out my office decor in boxes, told me to take off my dress shoes and meet with him…well, I would have.
  
  Imagine if God would have put me on my face and said, “Bryan, I’m going to use this upcoming season to strip you of all the things that have made you comfortable and complacent. I’m going to take away all the good things you have so you are available to receive the best things I have in store for you. I’m going to use this time ahead to make you more humble. I’m going to make you a better husband, father, and minister through this. I’m going to develop your passion for the hurting and the oppressed. I’m going to show you my love in new ways that you’ve not experienced in a long time, if ever. I’m going to turn your priorities upside down and lavish grace and mercy upon you. I’m going carry you and sustain you when you are weak and tired. I’m going to affirm you and empower you and assure you. I’m going to be your Lord and your God for every need. And…I’m going to provide a new place for you to use all these things that I’m giving to you in this season to so I can accomplish great things through you in plans you wouldn’t believe even if I went into even greater detail!”
  
  The fact is, God didn’t do that. But I believe all those things are true enough that he could have said them. And part of the beauty of living by faith is trusting in the invisible and daily seeing these invisible things being made real. I tell you sincerely that I want what God wants. My problems lie in the reality that I don’t know what God knows, and it is better that I don’t. However, as God graciously unfolds his plan before me, the best and wisest thing I can do is recognize that he is sharing his divine insight with me and building my faith as I go.
  
  
• Faith is both impossibly difficult and incredibly easy. Well, this has gotten much longer than I intended, and I’m resisting the urge to break this part up into smaller parts. If I haven’t lost you by now…thanks…and stay with me for this last point.
  
  Walking by faith is difficult because everything natural is opposed to it. My natural reaction is to respond to what I see, what I hear, what I think, or what I understand. My supernatural (faith) reaction is based solely on what God says…which often opposed by what I see, hear, think, or understand. This is the battle I waged in my spirit. And it was often difficult. I wanted at times to give up. I cried out to God and asked for him to end this season early. I can’t tell you how many times I said audibly, “I just don’t understand.” Walking by faith is difficult because it is impossible to do it with the natural resources we possess.

Nonetheless, we walked by faith through this season because it is all we know to do. I believe that God rescued my soul from hell back in 1992, when I called upon Jesus to accept God’s wrath on my behalf for my rebellion against him. I believe that Jesus is God and he paid my penalty in full. And because of that, I am fully accepted by God, and that my soul is secure. Because I am able to trust God with the safety of my soul, I am much more so able to trust him with the lesser matters in my life, such as my health, my life, my ministry, my salary, my possessions. Walking by faith is incredibly easy exactly because it is naturally impossible. Faith is an entirely supernatural experience. Every iota of my faith is a gift from God. I cannot manufacture it. God has birthed it, nurtured it, and in this season of adversity, he has grown it. The faith that carried me through the last fourteen months is the faith that I will return to and rely upon as we face the challenges and the unknowns that are ahead of us. 

There were times when my faith felt incredibly fragile, and times when it felt like was so big that it could move mountains. I’m not smart enough to know if my faith right now is small or big, weak or strong. I know my faith is the matter of God making real the things that I hope for based on his promises, and it is the evidence of what I cannot see. My faith is in the Christ…my God and my Savior.

No more bullet points of insights…but I close with perhaps the most fitting one of all….God works “hands on” in the messiness of life. I’m certain that more lessons are still to be discovered, possibly even more precious and important that what I’ve shared here. God never promised a pain-free, difficulty-void, adversity-proof life. In fact, he promised the opposite. But he also promised that he’d be with me through it all. And he has been. And he offers the same for you. I hope you know him in this way. I hope you have this type of relationship with him. Thanks for going with me through this journey. I’m here for you, too, to walk with you in whatever season you find yourself in as you have read this.