B-log

I spent several hours going through my library yesterday, pruning out books that will look great as part of the Half Price Books collection. While doing so, I whimsically decided to experience the History Channel’s show Pawn Stars, using On Demand. After watching 9 episodes, I feel qualified to apply to be a writer for the show.  Here’s my audition, which I wrote after realizing this was the script used for absolutely every single episode. Watch for yourself.

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Rick: Today we had (Item X) come in. (Item X) was really cool. But it doesn’t make sense unless I can get (Item X) for the right price.

(Cut to Rick’s conversation with owner of Item X)

Rick: What have you got here?

Owner: It’s an (Item X).

Rick: Cool. (Here Rick either shares his knowledge of the history of Item X or says the following….I don’t even know what this item is worth to make an offer on it. But I got a buddy who I can call to come take a look at it.

(Cut back to Rick first-person)

Rick: this is a great (Item X), but it’s got to be a good offer. Because if in my business, if I’m not making money, I’m losing money.

(Cut to transaction for the expert’s analysis)

Expert: This is an (Item X). It’s worth $Z.

Rick: (Shaking hands with expert). Thanks for coming in.

Old Man (Rick’s Dad): Owner, what are you wanting to do today? Pawn, Sell, or borrow against it?

(Note: It is at this point that any child watching the program with their parent will ask either “What is pawn?” or “What is the difference between pawning it and selling?” It is also at this time that the parent will answer by saying either, “I don’t know,” or by lying and offer some rambling explanation that almost certainly is incorrect.)

Owner: I want to sell it. (They never want to pawn it. Viewers come to understand this over time)

Rick: What are you wanting for it?

Owner: I was thinking $Y (Y=Z-20%…(Remember, $Z was experts assessed value of (Item X))

Rick: Dollars?  (Laugh) We’re not even on the same page.  I was thinking $Y-50%.

Owner:  How about $Y-25%

Old Man: How about $Y-60%?

Owner: (Panic)

Rick: $Y-50% is the best I can do. I’ve got to (various extra labor such as framing, send to auction, refinish, etc) (Item X), so I’ll be lucky to make any money at $Y-50%.

Owner:  What about $Y-40%?

Rick: (Pained look. Pause) $Y-40%? Okay. You got a deal. (Rick then shakes hand of owner, using “I’m dominant with my hand-on-top” grip.)

(Cut to Rick, first-person)

Rick: I got (Item X) for $Y-40%. I’m really excited about that. (Item X) will go fast in my shop, and I’ll probably get $Y+75% for it.

(Note:  If Big Hoss receives a customer, the (Item X) will be a fake. He’ll offer to pay for it out of his paycheck, but Rick will chalk it up to a learning experience. Also, each week, Chumley may make a brief appearance to offer simplistic observations and be ridiculed as a moron by Old Man, who will, in turn, be teased for being an Old Man.)

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Please mail my pay & royalty checks to my home address.