B-log

This is an update of a blog post from a couple years ago…but since this topic is never outdated, I offer it here.

A while back, Jen blogged on the topic of spanking her child. I don’t know if she still feels the same way, or if her thoughts have changed as her family has grown. Also, if you read her post, you can click on several links of the spare-the-rod-or-not feelings of several other blogger/mommies/writers/parents.

And coincidentally, that’s why I wrote the following post, because after blogging about spanking her child, she invited me to do the same.

Blog on the topic.

Not spank her child.

I would not do that. Even if invited.

I have, however, disciplined my own children using the spanking method. All three of my children have been spanked multiple times. Cotter probably the most, because he showed some stubbornness in his earlier disobedience. Kaylyn not so much, because she has always been compliant. And Kelsi, certainly the least because of three reasons:

1. She, too, is compliant
2. She learned from her brother’s mistakes and didn’t make them.
3. She’s benefited from her parents move away from spanking.

Now it’s easy to read that last statement and think I’m not consistent on my spanking, and that would be inaccurate. I will say that I’ve always loathed spanking…it’s not something I have ever been eager to do…and as our entire family matures, the three factors mentioned above create a good climate where spankings are rare. Even so, it remains a consequence if the behavior merits its use.

I know..this is a touchy subject, to be sure.

So here’s my thing…I don’t care if you spank your child or not. If you’re working with the whole “time out” thing and it’s going well for you, then kudos. If its not bringing out the desired results, then it may surprise you to read that I’m not going to recommend that you start paddling your child’s rear end.

You see, it could be that the problem is with you and not your kiddo.

Now, don’t look at me all defensively, like I just accused you of some horrible crime. I don’t even know who you are or what you’re doing in terms of discipline.

I’m just saying that it is remarkably just like a child to behave just like a child. And if you want to see the desired outcomes in your child’s behavior, you probably are well-served to have thought a bit about this matter before you start swinging the paddle.

So here are some general rules to live (and discipline) by:

1. Don’t threaten. Don’t “count to three” or any such nonsense. When a child misbehaves, correct the behavior swiftly and immediately. Threatening or warning only encourages a child to test the limits and to see how firm those limits are once reached.
2. Don’t scream and yell. Feel free to speak sternly and authoritatively, but please, stay under control. Discipline is about establishing respect and honoring expected behaviors, not about instilling fear and terrifying your child because you’ve “lost it.” If one of you has to behave like a child, don’t let it be you. Be the parent who is in control and can calmly, patiently correct improper behavior.
3. Be consistent. If talking back is a correctable offense, correct it every single time. If you are inconsistent, your child will catch on to it and the war of endurance will begin.
4. If you are going to use spanking as a tool, make sure it is not the only tool you use. Not every offense is one that deserves spanking. Spanking is more effective when it is a rare-but-dramatic event. And by “dramatic” I mean “it’s a big deal,” not “it’s a pain-filled beating.”
5. Use time as your ally. Whenever your child earns a spanking, have them go to their room and think about what they did to earn the spanking and what they should have done instead. This will allow you to “cool down” if you need such time, and even if you don’t, it gives your child time to process the unhappiness that they’ve invited into their lives. Even if you just pause for 2 minutes, to your child it will feel like 20, and they will have replayed their offense approximately 200 times. This is at times even more effective in correcting the behavior than the spanking itself.
6. Talk with your child before and after the spanking. Explain yourself clearly and directly about why you are spanking. Administer the spanking, and then embrace your child after the spanking. Explain that you spanked your child to help them remember to do the right thing next time, and that you don’t get any joy from spanking. Affirm your love for them, that they are a good child, and that this mistake does not harm your affection for them.

One other little aside…but it is related. If you mess up, ask for forgiveness from your child. You should be teaching forgiveness and one way to do it is to model it. If you never acknowledge your own mistakes, you don’t really demonstrate the necessary credibility when you expect your child to ask for forgiveness, too (a good part of the discipline process, btw).

This list will hopefully sound reasonable to most people who read it, although it is likely that some are appalled. I understand that this is a personal, private issue, and I am blogging on it in an effort to help parents who are considering it to do it wisely, biblically, and constructively. There’s a hundred other variables about the “how to” of spanking: use the hand, use a belt, use a paddle….one swat, three swats, or paddle for a predetermined time. I have opinions on those matters, but I’ll answer those one-on-one, rather than here where it can incite others without any pretense or context.

Let me close by encouraging you to remember the purpose of spanking…it is to correct your child, not ever to hurt or punish. That word “punish” is a tough concept to work through. Every offense should have a consequence. It is up to you as a parent to determine that your consequence is appropriate, corrective, and consistent. If you cannot accomplish this, you should not be spanking your child.

When you spank effectively, spankings should be rare to begin with, and less frequent as your child gets older.

So…do you spare the rod? Anything you would add to this list?